moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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