here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
