I'm passing your future prison.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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