Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
