Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
This show inspires me to have sex in space
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
