Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
