1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
