this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize