I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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