I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize