I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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