My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize