Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
