I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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