Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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