I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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