You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
