I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
