i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
