Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize