i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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