Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
