it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
