I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Drake has all the answers
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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