I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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