Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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