he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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