i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
