Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
