Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
