I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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