I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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