So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
