I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
