u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
