If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
