I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
