highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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