The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
