Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize