Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
