i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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