I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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