Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
