my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
