I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize