Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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