New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
