Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
