I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
