3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
