Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
