so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
