the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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