I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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