I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
