I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
