Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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