Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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