woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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